My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she looked like the before picture.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
