We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize