Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
