that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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