Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i came on her dog
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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