I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
