In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
