I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
