Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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