He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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