thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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