I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
