Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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