id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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