so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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