3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Randomize
