Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
