Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize