you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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