Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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