apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
