....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
