got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize