I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
