wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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