Where did you get a picture of my penis
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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