Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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