I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
