he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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