apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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