Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
