Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
