Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
