My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize