Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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