Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Pants are for mortals
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
