the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
