New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
