I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize