Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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