The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
