oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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