So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
