Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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