you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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