Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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