i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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