Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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