Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
This is my gift to your gina
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
