Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
