my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
