what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Randomize
