dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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