I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
