how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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