my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize