im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
His nipple licking is glorious
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