I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
