If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Randomize
