wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
