Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
