who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
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