i'm signing you up for texting rehab
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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