i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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